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Why We Need to STOP Raising 'Good Girls'

Kas Martin Flawed in Love?

Hello

Top Coaching Tips for Every Woman, Everywhere

Sometimes I wonder if I am flawed.  I'm talking specifically in terms of my capacity to love, care, connect and how willing I am to give. 

My biggest issue which depleted me to the point of burn out, was my willingness to support others when in a crisis and disregard my own health, needs or well being.

If you are like me, we Tend to our relationships and friendships.  We are empathic, we love and connect deeply.  And my younger self, particularly in my 20s and 30s, when given a complement, I was prepared to give myself away...  forsaking our Selves for what the other might want or need...  which makes us Very vulnerable.

Something my wise Therapist said to me was: "Kas, their Crisis, is NOT your Emergency!" which resonated with being called: the fifth emergency service by my good friend throughout my 40s and 50s.

After Therapy, whilst journaling, I realised that all of my life, pretty much, had been all about "The Other".  I simply gave whatever the other wanted, without question or hesitation.  Basically, I always came up with the goods.

Whatever they wanted or needed in that moment, I provided.  At home, at the stables where I had a weekend job from age 10, at school, college, first boyfriend, in the work place... everywhere.

Take a moment... you might like to reflect on Your own experience as I chat with you here...

Where is your "Locus of Evaluation"?  Is it internal - on yourself?  Or is it external - on the wants and needs of Others?  If you made a pie chart... how much would be internal and how much external? I faced up to the fact that my 'External' piece of the Pie was Massive!

But what about My Life?  What about YOUR Life?

I believe we begin life wrapped up in our internal locus of evaluation.  As teeny babies, instinctively hell-bent on survival, crying, bawling or gurgling when we are wet, hungry, happy, lonely, cold, loved, bored, scared ...babies don't have words for these 'things', but bodily a baby knows when 'things' are 'Right' or 'Wrong' for them - and they let the big people around them know in no uncertain terms.  Thank goodness for this innate survival instinct.

As we grow and become aware of our environment and main caregiver, plus the others who belong in our 'family' group/system... our Locus of Evaluation shifts from internal (our hungers/needs) and we figure out (bodily) we need to survive around here and pay attention to the big people or I might freeze, be abandoned, starve, be rejected and ultimately, die.

We really take note. We figure out the 'rules' of the family/system we have arrived into and in order to survive we need to adapt. We are Conditioned to fit in and belong.  I believe it stayed this way for me, FOR a VERY Long Time! Decades!  Perhaps this is your experience too as you reflect on your self and your life?

How much care, attention, love, doing, giving are you spending your time on, for others?  I totally appreciate as a Parent, if you have youngsters... this is how it is, their welfare is vitally important - And you need 'me time' too.

I really began to examine my pattern in relationships. This was eye opening, challenging, saddening - in fact understanding my pattern for getting into relationships/friendships was like a slap in the face and that slap was a wake up call.

Perhaps you would like to consider your own pattern for how you get into friendships, relationships, jobs...

I'll go first shall I? 

There were 6 men from birth to my 30th year on earth.

These men all presented themselves before me with their 'Wants/Needs/Desires/Intentions' and having been trained to accommodate and with an incredible sensitivity to the Wants of Others, I simply gave them exactly what they wanted.  This wasn't a thinking, aware, conscious decision!  No... it all went on at a very unconscious, automatic level.

How about You?

I was raised to be A Good Girl.  A Polite, Accommodating Girl.  A shiny cheeked, smiley, pleasant, obliging, giving, honest, helpful, kind girl who never questioned anyone about anything, EVER.  I was So capable, able and 99% of the time, could come up with the "required goods" without much difficulty.  I simply did what I'd been conditioned to do.  This could range from listening with love and empathy, hugging someone in pain, giving advice, picking up and taking by car (at my expense), sitting for hours over coffee while others ranted and Sex.  Yep... not just to anyone... but if I was in a relationship with that person and this was what they wanted, then I would provide, 100%, to the best of my ability... even though most of the time I wasn't in the least bit interested.

Perhaps some - or all - of this resonates for you too?

I remember discussing with a friend why Woman is so accommodating... how we just gave in to whatever was required of us.  We both remember how casually and regularly we were touched inappropriately in the work place by men and that norm of: "it's just how it was".  No-one ever complained or even mentioned it.  It was like having a coffee break - 'normal'. to be sexually exploited, added to which there was a belief that: 'woman should feel grateful for and/or thrilled that a man might show interest in us'.  As if being groped or pressed up against meant we were 'good enough' somehow!

Thank Goodness things are changing

Going back to my 27th year.  My focus was my career. I loved clothes and music.  I was ambitious and really wanted to do well at work and be taken seriously.  Finding a man/boyfriend/partner/husband/settling down... was NOT on my horizon. Yet... this is what actually happened.

I was working.  He came over and presented himself to me.  He didn't say 'hi'. he didn't introduce himself, he didn't ask if I was busy (which I was) nor did he say sorry for interrupting me... He stood beside me, looking directly into my eyes, smiling from his handsome face, completely cocky and certain in himself that this would all swing in his favour.  He told me he had been watching me for some time (Me of today says: "You mean like a stalker?!!??") and I want you to come out for a drink with me.

I stopped what I was doing and looked up at him because I had been taught to look at the person speaking to me.  It had been trained/conditioned into me that 'man is more powerful and important than woman'.  A Man must not be ignored or denied (anything). 

I could hear and see what he wanted. My well trained, good, kind, polite, agreeable, accommodating girl immediately snapped into action and said: 'Oh... yes of course... when were you thinking?'

Obliging & Accommodating

This was an instant, unthinking, unconscious, obliging Part of me accommodating him with no consideration for my self.  I'm sad to say, back then, this was very 'normal' for me.

I didn't think: Who is this man?  Why is he interrupting me?  What does he do?  What is he interested in? (other than sex...)  Does he often watch women???  Does he have a criminal record!!!  Do I like how he sounds, looks, smells?  His M.O. (modus operandi) is questionable!!!  To just interrupt me and state what he wants without even asking my name or having a tiny bit of conversation, then tells me he's been watching me (did he use binoculars???).  

Ok, so my humour isn't great but actually it IS a big part of who I am.  If he or any man approached me this way today, all of my little questions and quips most definitely would be in the conversation and I most certainly would not be accommodating, polite, pleasant or be my 'good girl'.  No way!

That moment in time, that man and his request, began years of emotional heartache, turmoil and torture for me all because I did not have the capacity to consider what I wanted in that moment.  He made his 'want' clear and I simply showed up with the goods.

Are We Raising Our Little Girls to be Good Girls... obliging and accommodating?

It took me YEARS to learn that just because a person stands before me with a request, a desire, a want, I, you, we all have the right to say 'I'll think about it...' or 'No.' or 'who the hell are you?!'

Back then, I did not have the language, knowledge or modeling to ask myself what I thought or wanted.

I am sad to say that this pattern happened every single time I began a relationship with a man. They wanted me, I accommodated them without question, without consideration to my self.  I had no idea there were any other options than giving them what they wanted.

Nobody had taught me it was ok or possible to say or do something other than accommodate the other

I did not know I could backtrack, change my mind, speak my truth, challenge his gas lighting and lies or leave. 

No-one ever taught me as a child and so it remained my pattern of relating for decades. DECADES!  What a waste of my life.  Our patterns impact everyone we speak with or relate to... and how about our children?  Wow... what a terrifying thought!

How about you? I wonder how you feel as you read my words and hear what I share and perhaps consider your own experiences of relationships or friendships. What about the patterns in your own life? It could be about how you get new jobs... or how you comply with the opinions of others... it could be anything.

Tune inward and notice

Do you have the capacity to say No? What did you learn as you were growing up about your autonomy, being assertive, asking for help and leaning?

Do you give yourself time to consider what you are being asked? Would/Could you simply say, 'No.' to a request and walk away, guilt free and not be manipulated when they run after you to try flattery or other strategies?

I was taught to be So Polite it never crossed my mind to say 'No' and walk away.  Yet there were many times this approach would have saved me wasting Decades of my life trapped in relationships that were toxic, abusive and utterly fucking boring. 

Saying No would have taken a few seconds of discomfort rather than YEARS of misery! 

How about YOU?

I am now painfully aware of just how much I have 'adapted to' and accommodated practically Everyone in my past.  I refer to friendships, colleagues, men and strangers.  I have become very picky and very choosy just for me and my life now.  

I REALLY mean it when I ask 'How about YOU?'

I would love to hear your thoughts on this... I'd love to hear how you handle requests/wants/needs directly aimed at you...  comment below if you feel called.

I completely understand as a parent of youngsters that we have a commitment and responsibility to them, to make them our focus ...whilst hopefully finding ways to seek out time for ourselves too.  It also models to our children that we need time and space for ourselves whilst they are VERY important to us.

AND... I wonder if this may impact you as a Parent to Lead your children in a different way?  

Of course we want our children to grow up respecting the law, to be kind and loving... BUT do we want our children to forsake themselves and simply accommodate everybody or everything in a blind, unthinking way and possibly waste years of their lives when all they needed to do was say 'no thank you, not interested!' and know that it is ok to walk away and never look back.

Sometimes we have to escalate our polite 'No' to something much firmer when the other won't take no for an answer

Teaching our children: "It's nice to be nice AND sometimes, we need to say No, firmly... and really mean it.  AND... even get very tough when we are not being heard or respected!'

We are very influential as Parents, Relatives, Teachers, Friends, Leaders... look how easily we condition our children to accommodate.  We could just as easily teach them to say NO, firmly... and keep their focus on their own lives.

I believe it is very important to let our/all children know that it is absolutely ok and important to take their time to consider what they want before answering any requests that come their way.  

AND!!!  Not to start with 'Sorry... but'.  When they have decided to say NO, we don't need to put our head to one side, pull an apologetic expression and say... "erm... so sorry about this... but...".

I believe we need to educate our children to Say Exactly What They Need to Say

I also believe we need to teach our children to listen to their intuition, to develop boundaries (which you will need to model and teach to them) and feel potent enough to say "No" and not to accept just ANY kind of behaviour or treatment from others without question.  No matter who they are.  Those in positions of trust or authority have incredible power and not everyone can be trusted.  This is not paranoia.  This is a Fact.  People in positions of power, abuse, take advantage, manipulate and more.  Our children need to be taught how to take care of themselves.

A Moment of Discomfort (saying No) can stop us wasting YEARS ...possibly DECADES of our Lives trying to Disentangle from toxic relationships/friendships

One of our biggest fears is that people may not like us if we say No...  I have a brief video clip below, working with Hazel - Advanced Nurse Practitioner, who has a moment thinking:  "Maybe some people won't like me if I change?..."  

Hazel has become Unblocked and Transformed from being an obliging, nice girl...  

Please subscribe to my you tube channel... I have lots of great videos which invite Woman into their Power!

take good care
love, Kas

Unleashing The Voice of Woman
Unleashing the Voice of Woman

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Tuesday, 23 April 2024

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Raw & Gritty Art Coaching to Unleash Woman 

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