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Transforming Lives through Self Expression

The Danger of Being Too Nice

Goddess Star Raw & Gritty Art: Kas Martin


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Can being 'Too Nice' actually be a problem? Yes, I believe so. A Very Big Problem. I'll share more in a moment.

Conditioned To Be Nice
I have a feeling the majority are raised to be 'Nice'. It seems like an important 'Condition of Worth' that states: In order to be accepted and loved, you must/ought/should Be Nice.

We hear things like: Be nice! Play nicely! Oh that's NOT Very nice is it!  Awww, you are SO nice!"  

As children, when we behaved nicely, then we received love and approval from the parent/authority figures and wider community.  This 'approval' continues into adulthood.  The more approval given for Nice behaviour, the more people will behave nicely.  We like the 'Strokes'.  We like the praise.  We do more of what brings love and approval.  The moment someone disapproves or withdraws their love, we tend to stop doing that thing.  We thrive on love and approval.  We fear and dread disapproval.

This pattern, usually set up in childhood, ensures the Family System 'Belongs' in the Community, therefore everyone feels 'safe' and secure.

Be Nice to Everyone, Always...
Socially, everyone knows the 'rule'.  Just be nice!  But, what if we don't feel like being nice?  Especially to somebody who is Not being nice to us!  Then what?  Still be nice?

"YES!"  Insists the parent/authority figure.

Unfortunately this is how I was raised.  To be nice, regardless of who is or is not being nice to me.  And unfortunately, there was a very dangerous personality in my childhood and yes, I was Nice to him too.  You can only imagine where that got me.

Why On Earth Doesn't Somebody Tell Us That It's OK NOT to Be Nice Sometimes?

I'm thinking about how 'Safe' it might feel to mix with 'nice' people, who say 'nice' things, and are really 'nice' about everything; from how we look, what we do, where we go, how we behave, where we work, the kind of house we live in... (so much Approval).  Niceness is very predictable. We will feel safe around 'nice' people who behave 'nicely'.

OK, so where's the problem, you might wonder... who wouldn't want to be in a safe environment of niceness?  I'm coming to that...

Were You Raised To Be Nice?

Are you nice? Are you nice all the time? How possible is it to be 'nice' all the time?  Even behind closed doors, when you get home and your feet are in agony from wearing those high heels that everyone says are 'nice', and your head aches horribly from being so 'nice' all day, because you have smiled nicely until your jaw and temples throb and ache from saying nice things to everyone through those nice smiles.

And you have to get showered, change and squeeze your aching feet into different, but still uncomfortable shoes to go to a Leaving Do where everyone will smile nicely (well, until at least 11pm when you can escape with the excuse that you have work tomorrow.)

Then you flop into a taxi, kick your shoes off and you can't wait to fall into bed and announce into the darkness 'Thank fck that's all over with!!!'

So, Why Don't We Just Get Real About All Of This?

Hmmmm... maybe you feel a bit wobbly about revealing anything from behind the mask of Niceness? "People might disapprove of me and stop loving me... they won't ask me out for coffee or to parties, I'll be hated?"

How Possible Is It To Be Really Nice All The Time?
And if you are being 'nice' when you are not being treated 'nicely'... ('How come they get away with not being nice?' you might demand secretly inside your mind).

What impact has 'Being Too Nice' had upon your Nervous System?  In fact, on your whole body, your mental health and physical well being.  Check in with all your stress symptoms: Tight shoulders... Painful temples... Teeth that grind with frustration or anger... The sensation of a lump in your throat... Stabbing pains in your chest or ribs... A feeling of having been stabbed between your shoulder blades... Terrible neck pain.  This list could go on and on.  We all have our own unique symptoms, like fatigue, exhaustion, brain fog, racing heart, high blood pressure... 

All Because We're Being Too Nice Kas? YES!

And... being Really Nice... Seriously Nice... all of the time, to the point where you are in agony physically but you keep smiling warmly, doing nice things, giving, loving and caring - nicely... even to people who are actually NOT Very Nice at all.  Well, I believe and know personally, that this can make us extremely unwell.  Even experience Disease.

I am not exaggerating. You can read about it - there has been a lot written about "Being Too Nice" and Disease.  Gabor Mate for one writes and speaks about this very topic.  He isn't alone.

Learning is Wonderful.  Enlightening... but Reading and Learning about It Doesn't Change Anything

We need to actually "DO" something different to make Change. 

It has to be physical, behavioural to create new Neural Pathways or habits, so we are healthy and well; mentally, physically, spiritually. And it has to relate specifically to 'the thing' we want to Change... going for a walk or doing Yoga won't change the Niceness issue.

So what will?  Being Nasty?

NO.  Not at all... <3

I am all about Love. You probably know by now I am also all about Realness, Authenticity, Raw & Gritty Self Expression.  Being our Truest Self.

Saying it as it is... Being honest, congruent, transparent and really Expressing our Truth. This does not mean 'being nasty'.

I am inviting you into your Power. This is empowerment.

Being Real
Sounds so Simple doesn't it... Just Be Real.  However, it takes courage to be Real in a world where we have been conditioned to be Nice (and conditioned to be lots of other 'things' too).  And if you stop being nice, or other conditioned ways of being, you may be shunned.  Dropped.  They will disapprove and challenge you to get back onboard, or you will lose them.  Everyone will try to lure you back into the 'niceness' AND they will happily drop you in a flash, if you refuse.

So getting Real can mean becoming Lonely.  But for me... I'd rather be alone than false.

And you know... I am nice. Very nice. However, I am also very Real

It has taken me a lot of therapy and training to get to a place where I could risk being Real and being really myself.

Just because we are real, raw and gritty, honest, authentic, open, frank, definite, congruent, transparent, genuine, true, factual... (there must be lots of words relating to 'realness' to add to this list), just because we are 'real' it doesn't mean we won't treat others with respect or love.

I think we can say exactly how we feel without offending, wounding or hurting anybody and without the need to Be Really Nice.

And you know... here's a thing: When you are Being Nice but deep down inside you don't actually really feel Nice... if you are putting effort into being nice when you don't feel 'nice' about a person or a thing... They are going to know it.

REALLY?!?!? (you may have skidded to a halt at this point) 

YES! 100%...! Of course they are going to know! 


You can BE as "Nice As Ninepence" (an old British slogan), but if it isn't congruent, real, genuine, true... (Remember my recent blog about the importance of our insides matching our outsides?) people can sense this. They know it bodily, they can 'read' your mirror neurons and will 100% know the truth of how you really feel behind the mask of niceness.

The 'masks' (conditioned expressions) that you wear publicly, are usually the most brittle and superficial.

Think for a moment... have you ever bumped into someone you don't really like but feel obliged to say hello, pass the time of day and Be Nice to them?  As they approach you, under you breath you say "oh no... not them!!!"  Then, in autopilot, you smile your nicest smile and ask how they are.  When you walk away from the conversation, you might think to yourself: 'OMG! That was So uncomfortable! They were totally squirming! They just didn't mean what they said at all!"

And how about you?  Did you really mean all that YOU said?

Mirror neurons in the front part of our brain, when facing another, can give away and reveal SO much without a single word being spoken aloud.

Please do be kind to yourself however, because you were raised to be a nice person.  You are only doing what you were conditioned to do - but actually, the fakeness, the niceness... it can lead to physical pain, migraines, ill health, anxiety, depression, fatigue and can become very serious for some people.  It can lead to disease.

You may ask: "What Can I Do About This?"

Well everything I offer teaches and facilitates becoming Real, Honest, Congruent, Authentic and taking your life seriously. We only get one shot at it... unless you are coming back?

Goddess Unleashed enables realness, authenticity, honesty, and so much more. My Coaching Sessions offers this... as a way of Being. My Counselling Sessions offers this too. However we work together, you Will become REAL.

You will edge away from a fake, conditioned, 'Niceness', towards Authenticity.  You just can't put a price on this.

It will transform your entire life

Everything I do is about getting real, being accurate, facing how things are, a straight forward way of being that will bring you incredible personal power and empowerment. The more real you become the more you will be able to love and connect with others - because your boundaries will be solid and you will have such a strong sense of self. 

It is Wonderful to have this capacity!

It will bring confidence, self esteem, resilience, assertiveness and you know... the more Real and Authentic you are, the more you can Love others and protect yourself, whilst being completely Real.

You will be able to be SO genuinely Loving and Connected (and so many more ways of being) people will LOVE to be with you and around you because they will genuinely feel Safe with you.  They will know where they stand with you.  You will be able to speak your absolute truth and not wound or lash out at anybody.  You will feel solid in your self.

They won't observe your love, care and connection as false/fake because Everything about you will be completely congruent. It will shine out of you 100%.

Mirror Neurons Do Not Lie

If below your public mask of niceness, you are saying to yourself: "Hurry up, I need to get away, I'm bored and fed up, hungry, can't be bothered standing here pretending to be nice and friendly, my feet hurt, I'm exhausted, I just want to chill out! Shut up twittering on about your kids/dogs/job/holiday! I'm not interested! I don't care!!!"  Whoever is standing in front of you will sense all of your Unspoken Truths.  Yes... THAT is your truth... not what you are saying, but what you are trying to hide, within.

Working with Me: Kas

When we work together you will have developed the capacity to say: "It is lovely to bump into you, I am glad you are well, I hope you had a great holiday but I am going home now, because I've had a long day and I need to take care of my self.  Take care, bye for now..."

And you will be able to say that kindly, gently, warmly, honestly, congruently and with love... and mean it AND walk away, knowing you took care of your self and them, you did nothing wrong and all is well.  You won't crumble into self doubt and fear and hope they will still speak to you in future... you didn't do anything wrong.  You will be completely OK in yourself.

I can offer So much to you! So Much. However we work together...

Take a look at Goddess Unleashed:

This is a wonderful process to work through, with me on board... you WILL Change.  You WILL grow.  You WILL become Congruent, real, true and develop your sense of self, resilience and so much more.

If you would prefer to have a one to one via zoom or in person with me, get in touch (hit reply).  We can get something booked in to my diary, soon.  No waiting lists, no forms, no big deal - we just meet and start work on you becoming you and I will be me, with you.

Please know, that if you come into my orbit I will be very real, gentle, loving and respectful. I WILL know very rapidly what it is YOU need, I will see and hear you and you will grow and grow and grow and never look back.

Don't waste any more of your life... days pass into years.... years become decades... and everything just stays the same and then our life is over and we have regrets.

You know where I am.
Kas <3

I'm a Transformative Coach working with Women who want so much MORE! Leaders, Writers, Coaches, Therapists, Artists and those who aspire to undergo profound Transformation.

We can work together one to one, in person, online or through Goddess Unleashed Transformative Program.

If you have MASSIVE Dreams and need Love and Encouragement, I am who you are looking for <3

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Tuesday, 18 June 2024

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