Tough Love: The Brutal Myth

Tough Love: The Brutal Myth - And How To Heal It

OH!...and an invitation to you from me, Kas 

Were you raised on Tough Love? So many of us were.  And maybe, if you're really honest, you've doled it out too — to your child, your partner, your friends, your own trembling heart via your inner critic?

We're told Tough Love builds character.  Makes us resilient.  Teaches us to cope when life turns cold. 

But does it?  REALLY??? Or does it break something inside of us that we then spend our whole lives trying to mend in therapy?

I want to lay it bare — the many shapes Tough Love takes… how we pass it on… the old beliefs that keep it alive… and the raw, human impacts it leaves trailing through our lives.

And ...I want to show you another way.
A softer, stronger, kinder way that rebuilds what was once broken.

Tough Love isn't just a sharp word or a slap. 

It can be so normalised we don't even see it anymore. 

It hides in everyday moments — school corridors, family dinners, workplaces, even inside our own minds.

Tough Love for Children might look like…

A slap for answering back.
Cold silence when they cry.  "Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about."
Forced isolation in their bedroom for hours.
Teasing that humiliates: "Don't be such a baby.  Big boys don't cry."
Praise that's always out of reach: "You could do better."

Tough Love for Teens might look like…
Kicked out for rule-breaking — no conversation, just a slammed door.
Teachers mocking mistakes in front of peers.
"Get a grip" when they're heartbroken.
Shame for their sexuality or body changes.
Public punishments broadcast on social media.
Ridicule disguised as 'banter' that cuts deeper than a knife.

Tough Love for Adults might look like…
A partner saying "You're too much. Grow up."
Friends cutting you off with no explanation, calling it 'boundaries'.
A boss who humiliates you in front of colleagues.
Cold ultimatums: "Shape up or ship out."
Family gossip that says: "She needs toughening up."
A coach who barks, "If you can't take it, quit!"

And then there's the subtle kind…
The averted eyes when you're weeping.
The cold shoulder when you mess up.
The cruel joke disguised as love.
The withdrawn warmth that teaches you you're only lovable when you perform.

This is the brutal honesty: people dish out Tough Love because they were raised on it.  Because there's an old belief system stitched into their bones. It says:

"Pain builds character."
"Comfort makes you soft and weak."
"Better hurt you now than watch the world break you later."
"Kindness is weakness. They'll walk all over you."
"I turned out fine, so it must have worked."
"Love must be earned, never freely given."

Underneath these beliefs is an aching truth: 
People are terrified of their own softness.  They hold on to Tough Love because it feels safer than facing their own unhealed wounds.

What Happens When We Live Inside Tough Love
If you were raised on Tough Love, you likely know these bruises well - and please remember not all 'bruises' are visible!

As a child, Tough Love might have made you…

Anxious, hypervigilant, constantly waiting for the next lash.
Terrified of mistakes — you do everything 'just right' or not at all.
A tiny people-pleaser, tiptoeing so you don't trigger the next rejection.
Quiet, careful, gagged — never developing your own real voice.
Distrustful of affection — because love was conditional, unpredictable.
Confused: is love supposed to hurt?

As a teen, it might have made you…
Ashamed of your own tenderness.
So desperate for belonging you accepted scraps.
Angry and rebellious, or hidden and numb.
Depressed, anxious, self-harming, bingeing, starving.
Silent about your dreams — what's the point of hoping?
Desperate for approval but suspicious of kindness.

As an adult, it might still make you…
Push yourself to burnout to 'be enough'.
Beat yourself up for needing rest or love.
Accept crumbs in relationships.
Fear kindness — because your body braces for the slap that might follow.
Feel brittle — always on the verge of breaking or lashing out.
Repeat the cycle with your own children or partner — even though you swore you wouldn't.
So What Does Tough Love Actually Build?
Not resilience — but fragility.
Not strength — but brittleness.
Not freedom — but fear.

It creates people who ache for softness but can't trust it when it comes.
The more sensitive and tender-hearted you are, the deeper Tough Love carves its scars.

It creates people who tiptoe through life, terrified of taking up space, terrified of getting it wrong — yet sometimes giving out the same harshness they once received.  This is what I knew so, so well... how about you?

I don't believe Tough Love makes us strong.  I believe it breaks us — and then our work is to gather up those broken pieces and mend them with real Love.  
Not performative love.  Not love with a hook in it.
But real, resonant, tender, boundaried Love.

I know this because it's what I lived. 

I've experienced The Antidote and I Offer it to those I work with...

Tough Love made me small, careful, shaky — a girl who crept around the edges, always minding her P's & Q's, never speaking up about the abuse, never fully belonging to her own life.

Through my own therapeutic journey, I became held. Not pushed, not shamed — but truly held.
Accepted. Witnessed. Accompanied with empathy and fierce, warm boundaries.
It gave me the roots to grow a spine — the softest kind of strength that stands tall and does not snap in the wind.

Did you grow up inside Tough Love?  How does it still echo through your body, your voice, your parenting, your relationships?

Where do you dish it out still now, today — to yourself, your child, your partner — because you've never known another way.  Be kind to yourself... nobody showed you anything different <3

Notice what happens in you when someone offers you real warmth instead.

Perhaps you flinch?  Do you brace?  Do you find yourself preferring them to be harsh — because that feels safer, more familiar?

This is where the unravelling begins.  When you realise you do not have to keep living inside that old myth.

Love — real love — is not weak.
It is the bravest thing we can do for ourselves and each other.

Empathy. Acceptance. Kindness. Attunement. Boundaries that protect, not punish.
These are ways that make us strong.  These are what grow real, rooted resilience.
And when we receive enough of them, we begin to trust that we are worthy — not because we perform or endure pain, but simply because we exist.

I believe we need an abundance of that kind of Love — especially when we've been starved of it.

Most of us - like me - have a story about Tough Love.  What it did to you, its impact can be massive...!  How it was dished out to you... how that impacted you... how you felt during those Tough Love moments...  Maybe you've begun to heal?  Maybe you've chosen to love differently...?  

So here is my invitation:  Please join me and just a small handful of other women - perhaps 5 of us... in a zoom group where we will bring our story that we have written in advance, to the Group...  you can find out more when you reach out to let me know you would like to participate! 

Why Am I Offering This? 

For many, many reasons... 

I am a Therapist and Coach and love to help women heal deeply. 

This will be a hugely healing and beneficial experience for you if you have been through Tough Love in childhood or adulthood in relationships or at work. 

I know the deeply precious and healing gifts that are needed to release the shackles of Tough Love from your heart, your mind, your wrists and your feet so you can walk and live more freely, happily, easier, more confidently, with your head held high. 

And through this experience you will also learn these special gifts and take them into your own life and share them with others and then you can watch how your own world changes!

My zoom group experience will be not only deeply healing, moving, growthful and have a wonderful purpose - but you will feel so much better in yourself. 

This is why I do all that I do... in whichever way I do it (many different ways through Planet Kas, through one-to-one work, through my books... and this way... in a small group of like-minded women who all need to break free of the pain of Tough Love.

You don't need perfect or even 'reasonable' grammar and definitely no need for 'polished words'.

This is NOT about 'Writing A Story'...like you might have done in school or college or for a competition!  Absolutely not... THIS is the most important story you will ever write...  YOUR story about experiencing Tough Love, in your real, raw, gritty, tear-stained truths. 

Scrawl it out... allow the words to flow out of your pen without trying to put it together coherently... no naming others, just your own story.  'This is how Tough Love was for me...'.

Then, we will meet in the zoom group on a certain day and time - together.  Bring a cuppa, tissues, your written story... and when we share, we will loosen the grip of shame, power and control.

We remind each other that we are not alone.  We will all nod and know in agreement and feel exactly how Tough Love gripped us and shaped us...  in sharing our story, we will help everyone else in sharing their story. A wonderful gift.

And through this work - because it is work - therapeutic work - we become the generation that stops passing Tough Love on — and starts passing real Love forward instead.

All you have to do is message me or email me:  This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.  and let me know you are interested in joining my special, one-off, online group experience.  Your investment is £30 for a wonderful, 2.5 hours Therapeutic Group Experience facilitated by me.  I will bring my 27 years experience and knowledge and All of my LOVE to the group and you will feel the difference between Tough Love and real love.

Just send me your email letting me know you would like to participate and let Love do its work! 

Can't wait to hear from you!

With love, empathy, and the fiercest gentleness,
Kas x