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Kassi Martin

Raw & Gritty Art Coaching to Unleash Woman
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Dealing with Scapegoating, Bullying, Gaslighting

The Aloneness of Scapegoating The Loneliness of Scapegoating

I wonder if like me you might have experienced times when you have been The Outsider... the person who doesn't believe she belongs or has a right to belong... the Scapegoat... whether in your family of origin, the workplace, or a friendship group?

This is a deeply painful and lonely existence. 

It isn't just about feeling excluded, it's about being unfairly blamed, misunderstood and made to carry the burdens and dysfunctions of others.

Finding someone to talk to about this situation is even harder... When we approach someone to try to discuss what is happening, you might be labelled as 'too sensitive' or 'difficult' or even called crazy or mad... told you need locked up, need psychiatric help or gaslighted.

The more you try to defend yourself, the worse it gets.

It's as if the entire narrative has been crafted against you and no matter how hard to try to explain, your truth is minimised or twisted.


The Isolation of Scapegoating and Gaslighting

You might even have a witness to some of the scapegoating and gaslighting you are experiencing but when you try to discuss what just happened with them, you're often met with shocked expressions, amazement... that YOU are suggesting that they witnessed what just happened... And worse still, they insist they did not see, hear or notice any of what you saw and experienced.

They might say "Oh I wouldn't worry about that stuff... you're just overreacting, it's nothing...you need to just let it go..."

This completely distorts our reality, erodes our self-trust and leaves us questioning our own perceptions.

We end up feeling powerless, ashamed and deeply confused 

The emotional weight of being scapegoated and gaslighted can lead to self-doubt, anxiety and a lingering sense of 'maybe they're right...?  What if I have got this all wrong... Maybe it didn't actually happen???"

Add to the mix, coercive control and emotional blackmail which often reinforces this TOXIC dynamic, making it incredibly difficult to extricate yourself.

The fear of further rejection or retaliation keeps you trapped in patterns of appeasement, over explaining or shrinking yourself to avoid conflict.

You might even find yourself accepting the scapegoat role to maintain connection, even at the cost of your own well-being.

You Know what happened, you know what you heard, you know how you felt consequently, yet you are told you are wrong on all counts and that YOU are the problem... and told by more than one person. The entire group, or family, or organisation agree – YOU are the one who needs help - they are all fine...

When you have been scapegoated repeatedly, it can block you in ways you don't even realise. It gags you, silences you, keeps you playing small, makes you doubt your instincts.

The fear of being misunderstood or blamed again can stop you from stepping into new opportunities, expressing your true thoughts or setting boundaries that honour your worth.

But You Know What...? You are Not what they made you believe

I'd like to share a personal story that I experienced over a period of three years in a work place.

A colleague – I'll call her Mona - and I began at this workplace on the same day.  I wanted to do my very best and was looking forward to the challenge of working in Primary Care Mental Health.  It was incredibly difficult to get a job as a Counsellor, especially in the NHS at that time and I felt proud and happy.

Mona 'latched on' to me. She sat next to me in meetings and at lunch.  She got to know me... she seemed friendly.  I tend to be introverted. I think she took this to mean 'victim' and 'pushover' as I reflected later.

I experienced her as vocal, cracking jokes, laughing loudly and generally seemed to thrive on being noticed as fun, with a great sense of humour.  We were in the same locality team and met weekly with the whole team.

Not long into the job, I received a phone call late one evening at home, around 9:30pm from Mona.  She said: "Your relative has been referred to me for counselling. They asked me if I could see her, given you are my colleague...I'm just letting you know I've accepted the referral."

I explained:  "My relative will have to be referred into another locality team given professional boundaries..."

I was very shocked to receive this phone call.

Her reply: "I feel FINE about this... I have accepted the referral!"  It felt like defiance and attack from her.

I decided I would speak with my Manager when in the department next.

Mona then added: "I've decided that I'm going to bring your relative's issues to the departmental case discussion... and YOU will be removed from our meeting because we can't discuss your relative in front of YOU."

At this point I was outraged and shocked.  I told her I would discuss it with our Manager and hung up.

The next few days were long and I seemed full of dread and fear...

The following week, as we were gathering in the expansive office, approximately 25 - 30 Practitioners of all modalities and professions, I caught the our Lead just before the meeting, quickly explained the situation, Mona's phone call, and asked about my relative being referred to another locality team. 

His reply astounded me.

"No. Mona is correct. You will have to be put out of the team discussion because YOU could be the reason your relative needs therapy!"

He marched off without another word.

For your info: Practitioners only took their most complex cases to the team discussion for support, assistance, ideas and learning.  Mona had not actually met my relative at this point.

I stood there in the corridor alone, watching my Lead stride down the wide, carpeted corridor to his lavish office filled with laughter and conversation as everyone gathered for our weekly team meeting.  

I never felt so alone and singled out...

I did not want to go to the meeting.  I felt ashamed and alone and wanted to hide.

I had no idea that the next 3 years would push me beyond the edge of anything I'd ever experienced, and given my childhood experiences - which unfortunately left me vulnerable in this situation, I had already experienced a great deal.

Without going into the MANY stories and experiences that played out between Mona and I, I will share that on one occasion she threw a massive armful of patient records at my body. Some hit me, some flew open all over the floor, scattering confidential notes and letters all over the office. There was another colleague in the office who quickly turned her head away and pretended she hadn't seen. 

Mona announced loudly: "I'm so sorry you had to see that..."  It was said as if I had done something wrong.  I didn't bother to report this incident or seek support, I had learned this was pointless.

The final experience I had was when I finally handed in my notice to quit 

I couldn't continue to work under such circumstances and got another job.  A very well-paid job, thrice the salary and in a team where we had autonomy and there was much trust between colleagues.  It was many miles away from my current job.

Our Department that I was about to leave, was holding a national Conference.  I had just begun my new job and my new Manager was traveling over for the Conference.  She asked if we could meet and spend the day with me at the Conference.  A great opportunity for her to get to know me.

I agreed and we arranged to have coffee in reception on her arrival at 9am.  

I was 3 days away from leaving my current job and this was my final 'thing' I had to get through... I couldn't wait

The day arrived, I met up with my new Manager for coffee as planned. She looked at me with a strange expression and said: "I'm sorry about this Kassi but I am going to have to tell you... when I arrived, I asked if the person knew if Kassi Martin was here yet. That person told me that there is nobody called Kassi Martin working here."

I was dumbfounded.

My new Manager stood quietly looking into my face and watching me expectantly... my mind was ticking over as I was certain Mona – typical that it had to be her that my new manager approached – had said this.

(Interesting that my new Manager had only asked if I had arrived, she did not ask if I worked there!)

I felt incredibly uncomfortable as if I had done something 'wrong' and had lied about my current position in the department.  I felt I needed to defend myself.

I told my new Manager, I DID work there, reiterated that I was leaving in a few days time.  We got coffee and sat down in the main hall.

This experience undermined my integrity with my new Manager who appeared to be doubting me and my professional credibility.  I couldn't believe that Mona's toxicity could spread into my new job which I had chosen because it was 70 miles away!

We all sat down for the opening Keynote and my new Manager whispered: "Kassi, that is the woman who told me you didn't work here..." pointing to Mona two rows in front of us.

Of course, we all know that the person was Mona.

These experiences and many, many more continued endlessly, including discovering the Lead who turned out to be friends with Mona and who were a part of a large drinking-holidaying group who did regular city breaks together...  Added to which my supervisor back then was also a part of this drinking-holidaying group.  

It would have been impossible to experience unbiased support in supervision.  I didn't find out about their connections outside of work until much later - when I had left.

The exclusion, undermining, dismissiveness and toxicity of these experiences for me made it clear that this was not a safe environment for me to work in and I planned my exit.

I share my experiences in life in the hope that they help You and others to know they are not alone in their similar experiences and that just because these things happen, and people turn a blind eye, and gaslight in response, does not make it ok or 'right'. 

In fact, it speaks of just how much does 'go on' in everyday life and that we don't have to put up with it.

My beginnings in the world of mental health were very challenging and what I learnt most was that creating an exit strategy is not cowardly and in fact I was courageous in remaining true to my self - not doubting what I was experiencing.  This often happens to those who are bullied, manipulated, gaslighted and scapegoated: they doubt their selves - they really can feel 'crazy' as they are called during gaslighting. 

I was not prepared to be a victim and I chose a much healthier place to work. Added to which, I am a very strong person who won't collapse and break under these incredible pressures.

I wonder if YOU have experienced anything like this? Scapegoating and Bullying goes on everywhere. You do not have to be alone. You can learn how to manage such experiences differently and sharing the load is vitally important so that you are not alone in your experiences.

Unblocking & Unleashing:

Imagine the moment of your birth - raw, unfiltered, and limitless. That's what it feels like to finally become unblocked and free from the shackles of patriarchy and conditioning.

It's not just a shift; it's a full-body awakening, a wild and exhilarating release that breathes life into every fiber of your being. This is what we can and often do experience when we break free of toxic environments and humans.

The day I left that toxic job and marched down those stairs and out into the fresh air and sunshine was an incredible moment of freedom and new beginnings for me.

AND... this is what my work is all about... 

unblocking and unleashing so that those women I work with can be every-fucking-thing they can be in the world and no longer be limited, held back, blocked, diluted down or made small.

In fact, scapegoats tend to be the strongest person in the system whether that is at home, at work or in a friendship group.

For so long, you may have carried the weight of expectations, invisible rules, and deeply ingrained beliefs that told you how to be, what to say, and where to fit in.

Perhaps you have shrunk, silenced yourself and contorted yourself into shapes to keep the peace, to belong, to be "good enough". 

However, the truth is, you were always more than enough. And the moment you step into your unblocked self, it's as if the walls fall away, and you're standing in the open air - boundless, powerful, and completely alive.

Becoming free isn't just about shedding the layers of "shoulds" and "musts" placed upon you. It's a radical reclaiming of your voice, your body, your desires, and your truth.

It's a remembering of who you were before the world told you who to be

Once you taste that freedom, there's no turning back.

You'll feel it rushing through you like an unstoppable current, awakening everything that has been dormant.

Creativity bursts forth, your heart beats louder, and you move through the world with a presence that's impossible to ignore.

It's the most electrifying, enlivening experience imaginable - like the first breath of your truest self

There's wildness in it, a raw untamed joy that no longer needs permission to exist. You realise, with every step forward, that the cage was never locked; you were simply taught to believe it was.

This journey to becoming unblocked isn't neat or linear. It's messy, it's uncomfortable, and at times, it feels like you're walking through the unknown without a map.

But the deeper you go, the more you realise the shackles were never yours to carry. And when you finally let them go, you'll discover a version of yourself that is vast, radiant, and beautifully untamed.

And... this is how it was when you were born. 

All of this was available to you at birth... then Conditioning and Patriarchy blocked it all from you, bit by bit, moment by moment, they broke you down to become a carbon copy of themselves; your parents, caregivers, friends, partners, so they felt safe... so they could control and manage you.  If everyone knows and follows the rules, then everyone feels safe... BUT Dead... Limited... Shackled...

This is the Unblocking that I do in my work... 

This is the exciting unleashing and unblocking that is very possible and when you have me alongside you, supporting and encouraging you, sharing wonderful freeing knowledge that will change your life - there is no looking back.

Love

Kas 

PLANET Kas Has Arrived
Your 'Messiness' Is Your Brilliance
 

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Tuesday, 11 February 2025

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Raw & Gritty Art Coaching to Unleash Woman 

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