Kassi Martin's Blog
The Kimono, My Critic & Freddie Mercury
Sharing more Top Coaching Tips for Life, Art & Creative Biz
"Today is the youngest you will be, for the remainder of your life". My wise Inner Goddess whispered in my ear this morning as I was drying my hair...Here's the story as it unfolded... (due to my age, size, weight, ugliness, conditioning and the f patriarchy!)
About 2 weeks ago, I spotted a beautiful, long, flowing, black Kimono... Unusual... like a full length dress that is open at the front. Layered with shimmery black fabric, light as a feather... and lacy black detail between each layer. It becomes fuller and wider as it goes down the layers towards the ankles.
Gazing longingly, I didn't even look at the model wearing it... I was totally focused on the kimono. I could visualise and sense myself in the kimono, with black leggings and black lacy camisole which has been hanging in my wardrobe for months, unworn...! My favourite sparkly red heart necklace and my deep red ceramic heart ring. Black with a touch of red... then said 'OMG, I Want this!'
Would I dare to wear flat, red, slingbacks...??? YES!!! My Goddess whispered in my ear inciting me. Definitely wear all of this!!
I could see myself striding confidently, kimono floating behind me in the evening summer breeze. I didn't feel uncomfortable. I wasn't self consciously trying to hold the sides together over my (pretty sizeable) breasts... hiding them awkwardly and 'holding myself in' (as they taught us in Secretarial college in the 80's! Basically trying Not be seen). Nope, I wasn't doing any of that sh*t in my imagination... I was a striding, confident, contented Goddess!
My hair - which is growing again thankfully - was also floating in the breeze just like my kimono. I felt amazing in my imagination... I didn't care what anyone thought. I was just happy, kimono and hair floating along, being me... wow, amazing.
So I clicked the BUY button... so enthralled, I paid for next day delivery.
This is where the sh*t is about to hit the fan!
I opened the packaging and held the beautiful long floaty lacy kimono in front of me... It was luscious! I put on the capri leggings in black, and the never worn lacy camisole... it felt light and floaty... silky... soft... feminine... I LOVED it all...
I kicked off my paint splattered suede boots I wear in the studio... my bare feet breathed happily against the cool wooden floor... I put on the kimono...
I came downstairs... the kimono floating behind me. I felt happy and free... I put on my sparkly red heart necklace and had my big red ceramic Heart ring... I just LOVED how I felt! Wonderful... would I dare wear this to the party that was looming??? "YES, Definitely" whispered my inner Goddess...
I walked into the garden and felt the breeze and sun on my face and just stood listening to the birds and noticed how amazing I felt.
THEN... my inner critic popped up... 'Kas... you're a tom boy, you don't wear floaty dresses... you wear joddies and wellies... you know you aren't feminine in the least and you look ridiculous. Send the kimono back, NOW!'
'But I love it... I want to wear it...' I replied meekly... (our Critic really can provoke our inner child in a flash).
The booming ridicule of my fierce (male) inner critic escalated: 'What. Are. You. Doing...? You. Look. RIDICULOUS! (He didn't stop there) Have you seen yourself...? Have you forgotten how old you are? How ugly and fat you've become since the menopause? Who do you think you are? Do you think you're 27 again?!?!?' (so painful)
Obediently, I took the Kimono off... folded it carefully up and placed it back in the packaging.... ticked the 'returning because it is unsuitable' box (...due to my age, size, weight, ugliness, conditioning and the fcking patriarchy) and sealed up the packaging, thinking sadly, I will sort out how to return it in the morning... and got on with the day, with a heavy heart.
If I'd told anyone... they would have tried to reassure me, make me feel better, convince me otherwise but it wouldn't have mattered what anyone said, nothing could over-ride my inner critic and my humiliation in that moment.
The unsent parcel sat on the gold dresser in the kitchen for a week... I was in an impasse - an inner battle. I'd gaze at the unsent parcel, dreaming of the floaty kimono whilst hearing my critic belittle and verbally batter me.
A week passed... the parcel remained unsent... I almost opened it back up a couple of times, but my Critic launched a new attack.
This morning... I came into the kitchen still humming 'I Want To Break Free' by Queen. I've been singing certain lines from this song since I suggested to an amazing Woman in my online group a few days ago, to get her hoover out - as a Prop - NOT to hoover - to sing and dance to "I want to Break Free" by Queen, to encourage her already blossoming feelings of Breaking Free...!
I asked Alexa to play the song for me... The music began... I felt excited, happy, free... I was drying my hair, singing loudly and dancing to the song... No-one was around. I shouted to Alexa "Alexa, turn it up!" She is such an obliging virtual assistant. I really let rip and had a lot of fun singing happily.
I laughed to myself (not at myself, but laughing joyfully) as I sang with attitude into the mirror, grinning into my eyes. I was inciting my self and felt really happy.
I put my sparkling festival gel in my hair - which I make myself with my own glitters and stars - and spread some sparkles down my neck instead of a necklace. I felt feminine, powerful, full of joy and freedom! Wow - WONDERFUL!!!
Alexa played it on repeat for me... I put the kettle on for coffee, pressed the toaster on... opened the honey jar and danced over to the unsent parcel. I unwrapped it to the beat of the song, laughing to myself!!! :-D
I let the kimono out to flow, tore off the price tag, put on the kimono, barefoot... and danced into the garden with an armful of red apples and seeds for the Birds and all their Baby Birds squawking 'feed me, feed me'.
I felt the grass on my bare feet and the sun on my face and arms... it was slightly breezy and I let the kimono float behind me in the breeze, and definitely did not try to hide my breasts under my vest top. I felt happy. I felt free. I was grinning to myself as Alexa played the song yet again.
The toaster set the smoke alarm off... domestic bliss ha... I ran in...kimono flowing... I rescued the toast... flapped the smoke alarm off with a tea towel and smiled happily to myself as I brought Freddie and Queen to mind, in the video... in that house... dressed up as they were... some conforming, some rebelling - FANTASTIC!!!!! What amazing, inspiring Artists.
I thought, while I slurped my black Lavazza coffee and munched burnt toast with honey whilst wearing my Kimono, that I'd tell you about my tussles with the kimono, my critic and how I managed to break free a little more ...and actually took my own advice!!!
My Inner Goddess smiled smugly to herself because she had been completely correct from the start - if only I'd listened to her!!
Oh! yes.... I remembered as I sang, danced and pouted in the mirror... my Goddess whispered to me that today is the youngest I will ever be, ever again, and I cannot possibly go back and be 27, but - my 27 year old is inside of me, alive and well, and she and her freeing, rebellious, sexy ways are still all there inside of me... and when I wear my kimono I can sense her deeply and she feels so good to me.
You see, I was told repeatedly throughout my teens, 20's and 30's that I was fat and ugly... when actually, I was absolutely beautiful and perfectly me.
I was an anxious people pleaser mainly due to powerful, abusive men who TOLD me what I was... They didn't want me to break free and be me... they were so afraid they would lose me, so they diluted me down and kept me small in a jail without bars and told me lies about who and what I was. Due to conditioning, we tend to believe authority figures without question.
I can't go back... I can only be here and now and move forward... however I have learned So F*cking Much and I intend to be fully me for the remainder of my life.
So... now I have sang, danced, laughed, dressed up, fed the birds and had breakfast, I am going into the studio to film more of my Goddess Unleashed course.
If you wish to join my incredible Goddess Unleashed online program, here is the link:
All you need basically is a journal, pens, pencils and access to the internet AND if you love to create art and enjoy learning and changing and growing and become your best self... just participate!