Kassi Martin's Blog
I Love You, I Hate You: Entanglements
Top Coaching Tips to Unblock Your Feminine Fire
I wonder if you have ever got yourself entangled with another... An Adult...
What's "entangled" you might think. Well, let me explain... it could be a friend, colleague or relative... a neighbour. Somebody who seems to be having a hard life. They may have come across your path by chance, shared some of their woes... Your open, empathic Heart can really feel their pain and the trickiness of their Life situation.
You have an empathic, expressive face. Your facial expressions 'say' it all for you (And to the Person In Need who soaks it all up!)
They notice with delight how easily you can sense into their situation and they LOVE that You can really see, hear and feel their plight. AND PING! In that moment, you are both kind of "hooked in". It's probably Unconscious, out of awareness... and it's a pattern that we each have and play out, again and again... and again.
You feel all the feelings that they really need to feel to resolve their issues, because those Feelings are there to help us solve our problems. (You can learn all about this in Goddess Unleashed).
However... the more "needy" personality tends NOT to feel their feelings to help solve their problems. They prefer others to feel them for them. They tend to 'hook you in' (like a fish) an unsuspecting, caring person who is willing to help with their problems.
Maybe you offered them a lift to get shopping because it was raining. They said to you... 'you're so kind and You're SO lucky, YOU have a car...'. Somehow you feel guilty that your life seems so much better than theirs now they've pointed it out to you.
It may seem to them as if Your life is a bed of roses and their life is miserable and depressing. You've always stepped up and did what's required to be done to live life. Well... it probably didn't feel like there was any other option to you.
They notice your empathic, loving Heart... They love all that they receive from you... including your kind face, full of understanding and patience... your willingness to be helpful...
They want more and more and more and more and more!
You've been kind, generous and helped them out here and there... you responded to their texts... you went round and picked them up... took them for a coffee... (paid for coffee, after all YOU have a good job, You're lucky!)
Basically you are ensnared. Trapped. Entangled. Caught up in a tangled web that is sticky and you can't find an easy way out of it!
This happened to me many times. When I got caught up yet again in a tangled web, I took the whole messy situation to my Therapist and learned a lot during my Therapeutic Training. I generously share everything in module #64 of Goddess Unleashed - I'm so proud of what I do.
The Lesson here is in realising that the Needy kind of personality who "takes and takes", ensnares 'Giver' types of personality through sharing how tough life is - whether this is unconscious or conscious - ie: They may know or not know - but having had 'positive results' from gaining new 'caretakers' in the past, they do it again and again. Well, who wouldn't...?
Yet... you and I wouldn't do this, would we!
Ideally, the 'Taker' really needs to seek out Therapy, learn, grow and take responsibility. But, why on earth would they bother to do all that when YOU and I are so kind, loving and willing to pitch up and pick them up in our car - which we work hard to pay for - including diesel and the upkeep - which we earn from working.
Yet the Needy, taker types, call us "Lucky"? NO! This is not LUCK...! This is Hard Work and Taking Responsibility.
Am I being harsh? No, I think I am being realistic and sharing exactly how the "Game" flows between Caring Giver types and Needy Taker types.
You may be wondering why I titled this: 'I Love You! I Hate You!' Entanglements...
Well, this way of being, really fits with that personality type that I am talking about above... and on the video I've shared with you below. Through the Giving that you do... they love you... before the 'hating' begins... Read on...
The needy-taker types are much happier to have YOU do all the Doing whilst they receive all that they can in terms of a listening ear, kindness, helping, supporting, loving, giving... and more and more giving... and more listening... and answering texts.
You might think with exasperation: Why don't they stop texting me?!
Well... who wouldn't keep texting you back when they are receiving kind, loving responses?
You think: Aren't they tired yet... why don't they go to bed it is so late!
They don't have to get up to go to work in the morning like you do, so they can be up texting until the early hours. They might have a long lie-in during the morning whilst you are up early and in your car and off to work to earn money each day.
The Needy-Taker type will get up when they're ready. Watch a bit of tv, wait till it's your lunch break and they will send you a few texts... keep you posted on their existence... Oh, and they're LOVING you. Why? Because you're coming up with the goods. (listening, responding, caring)
Your lunch break is taken up answering them... and as you try to peel yourself away from them to get back to your afternoon of work... they might send you a text saying:
"Be an angel, pick me up some bread and milk
on your way home and pop it in on way past Please.
(But I don't drive past!!!! You think to yourself, irritated)
I'm still in my PJ's you know how life is for me :- (
It's a long walk to the shops when I don't have a car. Thank you, amazing friend xxx"
Your heart sinks as you go back to your desk and conscientiously write down "Bread Milk". You feel heavy in your body and you just want to cry but you have a desk full of work laying before you... so you get back to it with a heavy heart. When you drop off the bread and milk, they push and push for you to come in and chat because they've been so bored and lonely... it's such a long day.
You pull an expression to say 'I don't want to… I want to go home…' but you see their sorrowful face and force yourself to go in. They offload about how expensive everything is and how they don't have money to pay for the bread and milk till a week on Tuesday. You know you will never see that money. You knew it before you bought the break and milk.
Your head and body aches, you're tired from a long day at work and just want to go home, get dinner and put your feet up before you do YOUR chores.
In your peaceful car driving home at last, your phone keeps pinging as they send you more texts... (they still love you). Your head hurts more and your body feels so heavy... "How did I get caught up in this f*cking sh*t" you demand out loud to yourself, furiously!
PLEASE NOTE: Feeling Furious is wonderful news. Getting angry is going to save your life and extricate you from this horrible situation. Keep hold of your Anger. You're going to need the energy from it to do what's needed. (absolutely NO arguing or fighting is involved!).
Eventually, and it could be 3 years later by now... you just can't take one more evening of texting back and forth! You never have any space for you except when you're asleep. You Finally send a text back saying:
"Sorry, I can't text any more tonight, I have a sore head
and need sleep as I'm at work in the morning... night"
WOW!!! Hell is about to freeze over... but at last you listened to YOURSELF for a change! Progress!!!
The Needy-Taker type is going to become really angry with you... and I want you to stay strong at this point... I want you to hang in there even if you feel wobbly or scared.
Initially, just imagine that they are having a massive toddler tantrum.
They might be thinking: "What does she mean she can't text and has a headache, is tired and has work tomorrow? She managed this every day for the last 3 years... even Xmas day, New Years and her Birthday - why not tonight?!?!?
They feel furious... rageful.... and they want to lash out at you! Their Love is waning and their Hate is rising.
Don't shrink... Stand Your Ground...
The "Game" continues: They send you a text back:
"No worries... it must be REALLY hard
for you having Such A Great Life...
A nice house, car, good job, loads of
money to go on holiday... (and you still haven't
asked me to go with you yet!) I can see why
you have a headache with such a HARD life!!!
Don't worry about me... alone...
staring at the walls...!!!"
This really is where the Game could go, very rapidly. And let's face it… there's no way you are going to be able to get any sleep having read THAT text... and brace yourself, the texts could worsen in content.
The trick is NOT to text back! Now is the time to set some Boundaries.
I appreciate this will feel hard - scary even - but I promise you, if you text back now, they've got you. It could all start again for another 3 years.
So what is the answer to all this - if there is an answer?
Firstly: Know you have a giving, kind disposition and that you can be a target for Needy, Taker types of personality.
Second: Know that it is NOT your job (unless they are your child) to caretake them... let alone sort out their lives for them... or be their 'Everything'.
Third: learn that as soon as you are aware that you are getting lured in to that Taker-Giver kind of Dynamic, you need to set STRONG boundaries. FAST.
There is a lot more to share with you and I've made you a brief video with some clips extracted from this module from Goddess Unleashed, which also includes an hour long therapeutic art exercise for your journal. I don't do things by halves! There are 64 Modules and rising!
AND if you would like me to teach you Everything, to find out EXACTLY HOW to resolve such miserable situations - you can learn all I know and experience my Facilitation to unblocking you in my Goddess Group.
I fast-track you to the point above where you are drained and depleted from running around after the Needy type of person - and you want to escape from their 'web' but can't think how to get out of it. I have lots of powerful Coaching skills to teach you HOW to avoid giving your life away to others - plus so much more!
It can take us years to get over the experience of being this person's 'Everything'. They will be fine however. They have ways and means of getting their needs met and they have NO intention of doing things differently!
Why bother when it's so easy to find people like you who will willingly, blindly, give and give until you are on your knees and no more use to the Taker type personality!
Don't let it get to this stage!
If you are genuinely concerned about them (their hateful behaviour could escalate) inform your local Mental Health Team, pass on all the details and leave it to the Professionals.
Remember, Goddess Unleashed is a wonderful, Transformative program that WILL change your life and impact your whole world including your relationships, how you parent your children - which will bring wonderful ways of being and potential into their Lives too. You will learn to truly love yourself as well as MANY other incredible skills and knowledge too.
You can undertake it self paced or join my online group at no extra charge - my input is invaluable!
There are no deadlines, you can't fail, you can't get behind, all you have to do is commit to yourself, show up and participate in my 60+ Video Prompts (in any order you wish) share all your wonderful journaling and feelings, thoughts and emotions in the group and everything will fall into place for you.
Respecting me and all the work I've put in to creating this incredible experience, my 9 year Training, my 25+ years Experience & Knowledge is a vital part of this. It is a reciprocal experience. We both benefit and you learn and grow and grow and grow - and I get to do the work that I am totally passionate about.
The current price is just £79 per month (First Month is FREE). Its true value is £479 per month - which will be increasing soon. If you sign up at £79 you won't experience the increase to £99.
Here is the link to find out more, choose your way into Goddess Unleashed as there are a few options: www.kassimartin.com/gu
Sign up NOW and stop putting off REALLY living your Life!