Forgive & Forget? (not fcking likely!)

Bring to mind one or two of the very worst experiences you have ever had in your life where somebody caused you damage, upset, anger, misery, sadness...

What happened?  Remember some of the events... your feelings... how you were impacted... bring these to Mind.  How do you feel as you think back to those awful times, weeks, possibly months or years - because sometimes these experiences, for example in the workplace or in a marriage, Can Go On For YEARS.

Lots of memories and big feelings may arise in you as you think back... in which case, it seems your Body has not forgotten?

WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA OF 'FORGIVE AND FORGET'?
I imagine the person who thought of Forgive and Forget as a motto or slogan, may have carried out some terrible deeds against humanity.

Just picturing Adolf Hitler rubbing his hands together gleefully, thinking, "Yay... Forgive & Forget should do the trick.  Obliterate all the atrocities I've caused humankind".

**I mean... WT actual F?**

If we do simply forgive and forget... what does this mean?  It feels like a massive "Discount" to all those who suffered and dare I say... 'Permission' to Adolf Et al. to simply do whatever they want and get away with it.  Why not?  They will be forgiven after all and it will be forgotten.

How could we possibly condone this?

I mention 'Discounting'.  When we 'Discount' something we are ignoring the warning signs, or denying the existence of an issue - whether it's a small issue or a massive 'Adolf' sized issue.

(Surely someone, somewhere, thought Adolf was up to no good? And why did they say nothing??? I guess this had to do with Power and the fact that their life would have come to a sudden and violent end for daring to speak out?)

We all discount from time to time so we don't Rock the Boat, or Make a Fuss.  These are things I teach over at Goddess Unleashed - to Definitely Make A Fuss and Absolutely Rock The Boat! (I'll put a link to this video clip at the end)

If we simply let things go... how long could they go on for?  Well my guess is, for as long as they can get away with it.

Like working in a toxic system for years or staying married when we absolutely know we should leave...  but we 'Discount' instead.  We make excuses... 'Oh, I'm sure things will get better soon...' and our intuition makes our tummy all nervous as it screams: "NO! Things Won't Get Better! You need to leave NOW!"  However, we continue to discount, deny, ignore and gaslight ourselves.  Humans seem to choose years and years of misery (staying the same) over some short term pain to Transform the issue.

Think back to the painful issues you recalled earlier...  Did you simply 'Forgive and Forget' whoever caused that distress and pain to you?  I'm sure it would make the person who caused pain, feel much better to be 'let off the hook' like that?  But what on earth did this do for You???

Here's an example of my own Discounting when I became involved with my first boyfriend.

I share my stories in the hope that it helps others know how we can completely Transform our life. I offer Psycho-Education and Coaching Tips as I share my stories for this purpose. For example, today, I shared about manipulation, psychopathy, narcissism in action, discounting and coercive control as well as the importance of listening to our Intuition.

I was 17.  I'd never heard of 'Discounting' or the 'Forgive and Forget' slogan.  I was naive, vulnerable and knew nothing about being in a relationship or how I 'should' have been treated.

I was raised to be 'good' and 'polite' in a toxic system and therefore, I didn't stand a chance.

I'd just moved to London.  I was almost 17 and lived with a relative.  Within a fortnight, I was offered 3 jobs.  I chose the job that was easiest to journey to, the nicest environment to work in (one had been a typewriter in a cupboard under the stairs like Harry Potter! Really!!!).  Added to which, I had met a Boy who had helped me with my interview, showing me how things 'worked'.  He was kind and funny, so of course, I chose that job!

Big Mistake Kas!

As I look back onto the Scene today, the warning signs were MASSIVE.  Red Flags flapping everywhere.  It was hopeless.  I was hooked in!

The 'Boy' turned out to be a lot older than me.  He was 24.  He was funny. Attractive (more red flags).  All the women in the department loved him.  They loved to chat with him in the kitchen while he made them a cup of tea (Alarm Bells) and laugh at all his jokes near the photocopier... and see his handsome, boyish charms as 'adorable'.

Yes... he hooked in EVERYONE!

Well, except the Handyman who took care of building maintenance. I can look back now, and I see that the Handyman could see through this boy's 'charms'.  He sniped at him often but everyone felt sorry for the lovely boy and Discounted what the Handyman could see.

This boy complemented everyone (Red Flags).  He made them feel special as if they were the only person in the whole world (more Red Flags).  

He did this to me.  Feeling special filled me with so much happiness, there was no space in me to notice Red Flags or Emergency Sirens. 

When I began work, he and I sat next to each other in an office with four other women.  I felt so special.  He was extremely handsome (Narcissist Warning) and he made me laugh.  He brought me cups of coffee and checked I understood the job.

Our route to and from work was the same.  He asked if he could sit next to me on the bus.  He chatted and enquired and made me laugh and laugh and laugh...  I couldn't wait for our bus journeys to and from work.

I felt so lucky and happy!  How could I have managed to meet someone so great as this man-boy?  Life was great! (or so I thought...)

Within a few months he discovered I'd never flown before, so we planned to take the train to Edinburgh and fly back to London.  Life was so exciting, fun and of course filled with his bright, funny, complementary chatter, lifting my spirits as always.  He talked about us going to California and South Africa...  My Inner Adventurer was filled with hope and excitement which simply lured me in more and more.

First Flight

On the way to Edinburgh, we stopped off to meet my Family.  He 'fell in love' with everyone and on the way to Edinburgh, he said: "If we aren't friends any more, can I still be friends with your family Kas?" 

What a strange question, I thought.  And yes, I just squashed the thought out of my mind, Discounting, Ignoring, Denying my Intuitive Wobbly Tummy and simply shrugged it off thinking, "This will never happen, we'll be friends forever... and of course he can be friends with my family, it's not up to me to stop that!"

And to convince myself further, I scolded myself with:  "How could I think something negative about such a lovely, kind, funny, polite, considerate, handsome boy?!" and told myself I was just being silly. (Discounting and Gaslighting myself).

We arrived in Edinburgh having booked a hotel for the night before we flew back to London.  I was nervous.  He tapped on my hotel door and asked if he could come in and chat. "Of course! Come in!" I welcomed him...

We eventually fell asleep in the same room in the early hours and when we woke up at Dawn, he began chatting again.  He told me he really enjoyed being with me, and that he wanted to be sure I'd be in his life forever ...and then said:  

'I want us to get engaged'.

ALARM BELLS peeled around me... (I stuck my fingers in my ears and ignored them)

RED FLAGS... waved wildly (so I hid my eyes).

Emergency Sirens... blasted out urgently.

And me??? I sat in stunned silence. (To be in a Frozen state is a MASSIVE Warning Sign)

Engaged? What???  We'd never even held hands, never kissed... I had thought about us being a couple but it was never discussed.

I remember staring, unable to speak whilst my inner parent shoved me hard to nudge me into replying politely... ('Don't be so rude Kas! Answer him!!!)

My frozen, immobile response clearly spoke of how torn I felt between my intuition (the red flags) and how he made me feel... I was confused!  He made me feel Wonderful... and I loved it.  Who wouldn't want more of this???

He began to speak quietly and slowly

"The thing is Kas... (pause)  I've decided.... (pause)  that if you say no  (pause) ...to our engagement...  then... (big pause)  I want nothing more to do with you  (pause) ...ever again. We will fly back to London...  and go our separate ways."

I was dumbfounded

He had become quiet, withdrawn, and a whisper of Moodiness had come over him (MASSIVE WARNING BELLS - Coercive Control in Action)

BIG RED FLAGS slapped my face hard...

Why couldn't I see all this? Well of course, my childhood explains everything to me now, with my Therapist's Wisdom... but I had no idea about enactment, psychological games or manipulation at age 17.

I was torn. All I could think about was how he had made me feel for all these months; the fun and joy that had come into my life when I first met him...  and to go back to work the next day and sit next to him 'having no more to do with me'... sounded unbearable!!!

I sit here now with hindsight, knowledge and experience and see a cage... he is standing holding the cage door open and trying to lure me to step inside... If only I could stop young me stepping blindly into that trap!

I do remember saying I needed time to think about it... however, I knew in my gut, I couldn't bear to be without the fun, the chatter, the playful ways, the happiness he had brought into my life and I was bound to say Yes.

I could see that he was quiet and moody.  A completely different side to him that I'd never seen before.  His silence, his mood, his body language... he was serious.  He meant this. 

No engagement…. no more friendship

My world felt like it would have been void without him in it.  I discounted the silent, moody behaviour.  I desperately wanted the funny, bright him back.  I sensed saying Yes would put an end to this miserable situation and my broken heart.

I was 17.  I had BIG Dreams to find my way to San Francisco, write books and paint.  How would I ever make this happen?  No idea... but how could I possibly live without this fun, handsome boy who made me laugh and feel so happy?

He further pressured me, insisting that I had to let him know before we landed in London that day.  He said he could not possibly be friends with me if I refused to marry him.  That was it. 

I did not notice one Red Flag and I did not hear the Sirens blasting

Now... we all know in Stories (real life stories too) that there has to be a Protagonist who has a problem ...and here I was.  I had a Big Problem.

Lose the wonderful friendship I believed I had with this young man or agree to get engaged.  He said he couldn't wait to tell everyone at work and our families.  I just couldn't bear to lose our friendship and how special he made me feel and so, I said, "Yes... ok, we will get engaged."

Suddenly his fun, smiling, happy-go-lucky ways were switched back on like magic - this was to be a constant on-off switch that lasted our entire relationship... a roller coaster of emotional turmoil that often put me over the edge... and I was completely oblivious to it all...

"He must have been scared I would say no," I told myself, discounting the manipulation, and relieved that his old, fun self was back.

This initial "test" was just the beginning

More incidents happened… time and again. I brushed away my intuitive wobbly warning signs and just continued to get more deeply trapped until we were finally at the church about to get married.

I was 20.  I look back in horror seeing everything that was about to unfold in my life over the next 20 years (even though I left him much sooner)

If I had just listened to my gut instinct instead of 'over-riding' it by Discounting back there in the wee small hours in Edinburgh… my whole life could have been completely different.

With my Mind, Knowledge and maturity of today, I would be able to quickly see through the Manipulation (his silent, withdrawal and moodiness... the pressure to get engaged when we hadn't even been on a date, his fun, happy go lucky ways that made me laugh)... it was all part of the Game.

The limit on giving him my answer by the next day or we 'go our separate ways'.  He would have known how much I loved the way he had treated me up until that point.  To suddenly threaten to take it all away... well... every drug dealer in town knows this Game!!!  And they do liken love and the loss of love/end of a relationship being equal to Heroin addiction/withdrawal.  He was bound to get a 'Yes' from me.

Today?  I truly hope that all I have learned would stand me in good stead not to fall for all those charming, seductive ways.  The handsome boyish looks... the way he drew women towards him... how he made them laugh and feel so special... MASSIVE ALARM BELLS

This entire, horrific game did not end there of course.  It was just the very beginning!  I'd only just stepped into his 'cage'...  he had so much worse up his sleeve.

The Wedding
My Wedding Day was another milestone in his viciousness.  I was 20.  I was wearing my beautiful wedding dress.  I felt pretty and thin... all the crap I used to buy into back then (and still can!).  I walked down the aisle and he stood there, looking over his shoulder at me as I arrived.  He had a massive, beaming smile, showing off his perfect white teeth.  His boyish, handsome looks and bronzed, tanned skin just back from California.  (He had gone away for 3 weeks on holiday with a group of stunning girls to LA and didn't invite me to go with him - another Big Story and I Still married him!).

I finally stood beside him at the Altar.  I felt like a million dollars at that moment.

He leaned in close and whispered: "I suppose you don't look THAT Bad!!!" 

Then beamed into my shocked face as the Ceremony began.  I'm sure everyone in the church imagined he had just said something lovely to me...

Today, under such circumstances, I'd have a ball, throwing my flowers in his face, telling him to fck right off out of my life and marching out of that church and never looking back.  If only!

There were so many, much worse experiences to come before I finally left him but it took a number of years.  So much Discounting of my intuition and inner wisdom went on but that's another story...

(as promised my brief Video Clip is below)

What I Do Today:
After all that I went through, I finally received Counselling.  I began Psychotherapy training in 1996 and had more and more Personal Therapy and Coaching so I can now offer hope and transformation to others.  I unblock women who want so much more:  Leaders, Coaches, Therapists, Writers, Artists and those who aspire to undergo profound Transformation.

I also offer Psycho-Education and Coaching as I share my stories and stories of other Women to demonstrate how we can Transform our lives to something exceptional. Today I have shared about Manipulation, Psychopathy, Narcissism in action, Discounting and Coercive Control.

If you are ready to step up in your Life, Goddess Unleashed Transformative Experience is full to the brim with wonderful wise ways to change and enrich your life.

Find out more here: www.kassimartin.com/gu

First month is FREE.  You can leave any time you wish.  I am there with you as you work your way through all the (68 so far...) exciting Modules.  Some are raw and gritty art journaling and many are Coaching with the opportunity to interact with me in our group through dialogue and sharing from your journaling to deepen our conversation and exploration which leads to Transformation for you.

Please don't waste any more precious time on everyday living when you could be transforming everything and getting your Big Dreams out there!

love

Kas