Kassi Martin's Blog

Transforming Lives through Self Expression

The Problem with Tiptoeing Around Everyone's Eggshells



Continuing to share my top Coaching Tips for YOUR Life, Creativity and Business.

I am well known for saying it as it is, lovingly calling it all out and being up for the most exciting journey of self development we can possibly experience.

My own therapeutic journey began 27 years ago when I passionately burst in to the world of Therapy. From my first session on, I knew there was no going back. I wanted to soak up every ounce of healing and learning I could glean and help others to experience incredible, exciting, life change because of my own experience.  So, I did just that!

Let's turn our attention to you.  Are YOU the Leading Woman of your own life or perhaps just like I was back then... there are many distractions keeping you from your One Precious Life?

What would you like to do with your life? What does your Heart, Soul, Creativity, Love, Hopes & Dreams wish for?

I'm here to let you know YOU Can do anything your heart desires. Absolutely anything and I will help you.

What stops us from doing anything our heart desires?

For Woman, there are many distractions… they pull at our empathy and heart strings.  They ask, plead with you: "fix me, rescue me, take me here or there, carry me, show me, teach me what you know, heal me, give me stuff, make me happy..." and on and on their pleading/needs/wants keep coming.

It can be so hard and I believe we feel torn, pulled, compelled even to come up with the goods.

How many times have you put down what is important to you to help another? Too many times to count? Hundreds of times during your life time I'm sure. 

I was a people pleaser for almost half a century and this level of care-taking brings with it toxic relationships and deep resentment which can lead to pain, fatigue, illness, depression and more.

When were you asked to help last? Could have been a text, phone call, a gif expressing sadness/anger/loneliness... could have been over a coffee & chat, staring right into the eyes of the one who is in need.

And even if you managed NOT to help, fix or rescue… I imagine the "pull" was there for you, right?  Like a massive magnet full of guilt, love, obligation, even coercion, dragging your Mind away from what You are doing in YOUR life to attend to the person asking for your help.

I believe this will resonate for many.

We have a 'Tending Instinct' in-built, we are trained, guilt tripped and manipulated... and to my mind, this makes me flawed.  Loving, kind, caring, considerate, useful, nurturing, efficient, capable, intelligent ...and flawed, as a woman, parent, partner.

I truly believe we need to raise our children differently, especially our daughters, so we do not forbid them to say 'No'.  We do not train them to be so accommodating and obliging to their own detriment.  So that we teach them to hold themselves in mind too! This is a whole other conversation but very much a part of this one which I will come back to very soon.

Saying NO and keeping me central in my Life, has been one of the toughest new habits for me to form.

To stay focused on me, my needs, my dreams and wants.  I share this because I am suggesting YOU may need to do this too.

I'm STILL learning to do this every day and in my therapeutic journey.  We can 'know' a thing, cognitively and theoretically get it, yet... we still find ourselves in it, fixing, rescuing, doing, caring, helping, loving...  When we 'wake' back up, we want to kick ourselves!  How could I have been so stupid to get all tangled back up in that helping/caring role??!!! arrrggggg!!!

Please be kind to yourself in these moments.  Like me, you have probably been trained Very Deeply, and to a high level in taking care of and helping heal and fixing others... possibly from toddlerhood!  We learn so much through modeling and conditioning as we are growing up.  We learn sometimes long before we can speak!  We learn at a body level.

Just because there is a Need and just because you can fix or resolve that need... does not mean you have to be the one to help, fix, support, love, care, do, be there, or rescue.

Please! Just for a moment, stop everything and take this in...

YOU Definitely Do NOT have to be the one to step up and resolve anything for anybody.

The exception is of course - a child in Need. This is different. We cannot abandon a child in need. If we brought them into the world, we need to be there for them or ensure they are placed with loving, responsible others who will do that for them.

Those who have 'wanted' from me have been adults. Peers, lovers, friends, relatives, colleagues...

They can see what we have and they want some of that for themselves. They don't care that you're Very Busy doing, caring, working, creating and producing, they just see how good you are at everything and want YOU to do something for them too!

In fact there is a psychological game called 'Do Me Something' and people can be very creative at manipulating those of us who are good at 'doing', to DO for Them!

The trouble with us is, we are good at many things. We are efficient, we know how to tackle most things... we can turn our hands to all sorts, and we are quick and put every ounce into what we do.

We do a damn good job, we're responsible and enthusiastic. We have great intuition, then we put it into action and Voila!

Just because we have this capacity, we don't have to give it away to others. When we do, we are diluting ourselves down, so there is much less of us available for our own Life!

We may have been raised to feel obligated to be there for everyone but please, listen... you don't have to do that crap any more. Just because you were raised to be nice, being nice does not help us when we are being bullied, manipulated, used and abused.

My Therapist used to say to me: "Kas!!! Their crisis is NOT your emergency!" How accurate he was.  I would hear the '999 siren' and instantly shift into Rescue mode.

...And funnily enough (not haha funny, but coincidentally...) I used to be nicknamed the fourth emergency service. My friend used to laugh and say: "Kas, you'd show up and fix things even if you were unconscious!" That says a lot about the old me.

How about you? Where are you in all of this?

Do my words resonate for you? Are you thinking... "Yes! Yes! Me Too!!! Absolutely this is me... But Kas, what the fck do I do about it?"

Great question and I have a very simple answer... and once we begin to form this new habit, and create a brand new pathway in our brain, it gets easier and simpler and eventually we just Do It as automatically as we did the rescuing/giving stuff!

OK, so here's what to do:

Firstly: Notice every moment you feel pulled or compelled to help.  Do NOT offer and Do NOT 'do' anything.  You probably see people struggling, low, sad, angry, in need, whatever... adults with as much time in the day as you have.  I appreciate you could easily put 'that thing' right for them, BUT We Mustn't Do It... Leave them to do it for themselves. This will help them learn and change and it will free you up.

Secondly: Notice every time we are asked for help. It could be the simplest thing like "Can you pick up milk on the way over please..." (basically do the shopping for me - while you're there get meat, flour, pasta... WTF!?!). The biggest thing I was asked for began with: "Can you pick me up on our way to meet for coffee...?" which led to: "I'm so lonely Kas, can I come on holiday with you and your family (for the next 5 years - even though she had a huge family of her own) and ended up with... "Can you find me a husband".  Honestly! YES, these things were asked of me and yes, I did find her a husband.

Thirdly: Say NO. Find ways to NOT get pulled into other people's dramas. Be honest... You rarely ask for help, am I correct? And even though you have done so many things for your friends, when you ask them for one tiny thing, they find it easy to say 'No, sorry I can't...I'm too busy.' Am I right? I bet I am!

Yes, you will feel uncomfortable saying NO and not just sorting things out for people.  If you add up how much time you spend in a month helping, listening to, advising, answering texts with quick one line fixes and 'doing' for others... you will be shocked.

Think about what YOU could do for YOURSELF with all that time you might have wasted helping others.

This is why I get so much work accomplished for my business and self. I ignore, I say NO, I won't get drawn in... and ok I slip up from time to time but the moment I realise I'm caught up in the drama of others, I get my focus back on My One Precious Life.

Oh yes... and the tip toeing around people's eggshells... when you are not available, and you are saying No to everyone's demands... when you are not noticing all the dramas unfolding around you in your work place, family or friendship groups... when you are NOT Interested whatsoever in that magnetic pull to fix and rescue... yes, people will get pissed off and be angry.  Yes, they will lash out at you.  Yes, they may call you selfish or self centred or worse.  This is simply their manipulative attempt to get you back on track, doing/fixing/rescuing for them.  

Don't get drawn in to these tactics, simply refer back to my first, second and third suggestions above and put them in action... Notice... Don't get dragged in to their dramas. Don't fall for their sob stories or manipulation. Don't agree to rebuild their whole life for them...

Absolutely trample all over their eggshells!  Leave them to get on with their tantrum and get your focus back on YOU and your hopes, dreams, wishes, wants and everything you are here on earth to achieve.

You need to keep yourself central in your Life. All the skills and capacity and ability you have, needs to be invested in what You are here to do on earth. Not to be diluted down by the wants of others.

You are very important and I want you to hold this in mind and stay focused on YOU.

It is not selfish. If you do not get your gifts out there into the world, people will miss out on who you are and all your unique gifts that you have to offer.

This is what you need to create and stay focused on... I am reclaiming my power and I want you to reclaim your own.

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Tuesday, 23 April 2024

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Raw & Gritty Art Coaching to Unleash Woman 

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