Kassi Martin's Blog
Just Trust & Do What You Most Love...
How are you doing?
It's a very sunny day here and my menopausal Self prefers the shade. Just cool, but bright.
Today we got up, did all the usual "beginning of a new day" stuff and after breakfast I gazed at our little four legged visitor. He held my gaze steadily, fearlessly, loyally. We stared at each other for a little while.
"What's up?" He eventually asked, head to the side. He's so cute when he does that heart-melting expression.
"I feel ....something, something I don't like... flat.... ish... " I tried to get a handle on my "something"
He kept gazing at me intently, totally committed to being alongside my 'flat-ish something' bodily felt sensation.
"I don't like feeling this feeling, I want to get rid of it..." I conveyed to my canine enquirer.
"I get that Kas but... if you 'get away from it', how will you ever figure out what it is trying to tell you?"
Such a wise dog... :-))
Of course, I understand that I was simply working through something internally with our little four legged visitor 'doubling up' as an enquiring Part of myself. It was so helpful however. I often use the 'empty chair' approach to problem solving.
Our beautiful Dog visitor settled in the sunshine streaming down, content that his job was done and I stayed patiently with my "flat-ish something" long enough for my unconscious to birth "What" this was all about.
Oh, it was "That" knocking at my door once again. "That" being my Doubting Self mingling with my Inner Critic. These two are quite a double act, a real force to contend with.
To give you a flavour of them in action here is a little of their repertoire;
"I'm going to have to get a proper job, I can't carry on like this." (Doubting Self announced)
"Ha I've been telling you this for years and you just don't listen! Faffing around with arty stuff thinking you can make a living! When are you going to actually pay attention and Do something about this!" (Inner Critic smirking with a cocktail of vicious and goading all rolled into one.
Nervous Tummy jumps in, feeling wobbly. Nervous Tummy looks at my 'Dream BIG' journal and pushes it away, out of arm's reach.
"Why don't you email the Psychology department, see what's jobs are on offer...?" Inner Critic suggests. You heard what Audrey said when you left, "there will always be a job here for you". A nice, sensible, proper job... You know it makes sense."
Doubting Self observes hopefully...
Inner Critic smirks to himself waiting for me to bite.
I check in with myself. I feel much, much worse now! Argggg! Why has this all popped back out! I demand, irritated.
I drag my Dream BIG Journal back towards myself and pick up my pen with my left hand and start writing. I've been doing a lot of Non Dominant Hand personal development work of late and it is so useful.
"Just Trust and Do What You Most Love" my Left hand wrote calmly.
Is that it?! My Right Hand demanded in heavy, firm writing.
Self Doubt and Inner Critic shake their heads at one another. "Mumbo Jumbo" mouthes Inner Critic surreptitiously.
My left hand picks up my beautiful purple gel pen and writes, "Of course that's 'It'. If you go and get a job, then what?"
Right hand replies; "A salary. A pension. Steady, secure hours... what else is there!?"
My non dominant hand patiently picks up the beautiful purple pen once more and without any doubt whatsoever writes, "I can't believe you've forgotten again. What about your Soul? What about your Body? You have tenderly nursed your nervous system back to health and you're considering throwing yourself back in the arena again? Do what brings you Joy, satisfaction and Trust, everything else will fall into place. Hold onto what you love doing most."
Self Doubt writes, "and what is that?"
My left hand writes "You're the Girl who Loves to Help Others using Art and All That You Are."
Quite a unique Job Description I appreciate, but it's a fact. This is who I am my most Authentic Self acknowledges...
I close my Dream BIG Journal and watch Self Doubt and Inner Critic toddle off together feeling a little defeated.
I check in with myself. No wobbly tummy. No flat-ish feeling lurking in my chest. I smile as our canine visitor sighs contentedly in the warm Sunshine. He just seems to Know... 'Kas is settled again...'
Phew, all that wasn't pleasant.
I get up and cross the lawn barefoot to my studio. I go in to the cool space and a deep, settled feeling surrounds my Being.
Yep, this definitely feels "Right". All that stress, doubt, anxiety has all dissolved and I wander around gathering up materials and tools that grab my interest in that moment, preparing to make a New Start on a big piece of blank board.
I don't know why all that popped up but I feel back on track once again thankfully and I start work. Quickly I become completely immersed in my creativity and feel at one with myself. Such a wonderful Mindful Art Experience...
I intend to hang on to my mantra "Trust and Do What I Most Love".