How are you doing?
I'm feeling more and more that I am on the 'right' path for my self. How long has this taken? How many circles have I wandered, lost and sometimes bewildered at how I got to where I was at that moment in time.
I have a number of exciting things happening with my work. Now I have my gorgeous little art studio built I have turned my attention to my website. For about a year I have been searching for just the 'right' person to do this work for me - and now I have found him.
Handing 'things' over to others does not come easily to me! The huge Responsibility streak which has run through my very Core Self Forever is finally loosening up and Letting Go. YES! This really is cause for celebration for me.
I have been releasing myself from these shackles for some time now and as my baby steps of 4 years ago began shaping up into proper steps. I now find myself taking one or two Giant Leaps from time to time. Very wobbly-making all this deep Change.
When I am working through my 'stuff ' as I have been with this 'Responsibility - Letting Go' issue, I generally do a blend of things...I use art materials... I stand, move around and sometimes dance because what I have learned about sitting still and listening in a focused, meditative way I believe, can make us Freeze (as in fight/flight/freeze) depending on what we are hearing and visualising.
Standing, moving, staying Fluid and Open in my body and mind is very fruitful. Music; particular songs that emerge to fit whatever issue it is I am exploring will pop up from the past and I just let whatever needs to, emerge. Creative writing and actual Words emerge on the canvas or board I am working on.I completely believe now that whatever lands on the canvas can not be 'wrong', nothing is ever a mistake. Each vital element that contributes to the final layer that you see.
At the time that I began this piece of work on 'Responsibility' I was spending a week in our seaside retreat town with the sound of the ocean and birdsong filling my days. I had a whole week to let this stuff out and the painting at the top of this post is what came about as a result of this personal development that I relish. I guess it is 'work', however for me it is enjoyment, satisfying and helps me move towards my truest, authentic Self.
The painting has been created on a large piece of board around 24" x 26" so it's a good size - just to let you have a sense of its proportions.
I began with my journal, writing about my Responsible Self.
Here's a small excerpt;
"....and she had to get there on time, come what may. The rain was pouring and icy cold. Her breath surrounded her cheeks like a fog. She was determined to do her best, not fail. It would have been so easy to have asked for a lift. This did not occur to her to ask.
Finally, there she sat before them at their big table at 8 am sharp. Pools of rain dripped from her coat hems and she stared at their faces as deeply focused upon them as they were on her.
This was her first ever job interview and she had no idea what to expect, yet she sat there, oddly fearless knowing that this job was 'right' for her.
She had just turned ten years old two months earlier and was grateful for her new bike that had transported her the 2 and a half miles through the drenched countryside."
I had never really looked back at that event as 'important' until that day when I began this exploration. The words that flowed onto my journal page hadn't been invited out before. How could I have not 'Seen' my young Self as she really was back then?
Fiercely independent. Determined. Driven. Responsible. Fearless and Very Brave. I had quite a moment when I read back over my words. For the first time I got a real sense of loving and admiring my little Self. Before this I believe I had just taken her for granted.
And so this is a small taste of some of the work that I undertook to create the Painting above. This is the kind of work I undertake in my studio or online with others, either one to one or in groups.
This is the work that I Love.
I did not think about painting the Sun, it just began, automatically, straight from my brush in a great big spiraling movement. It is quite rare for me to paint anything other than the Moon. However that yellow sunshine was my starting point and I would never question my Process.
Leaping forward a little, the first words I wrote upon the tree trunk' and the Tree held the Sun' came early one morning as I first began the work. I had awoken early, the waves were crashing and I felt energised and excited. I couldn't wait (as is my usual way) to be reunited with my painting which was in the kitchen and my urge to run down to the sea - I was knocked into conflict. I walked into the kitchen to see the huge yellow Sun and the Tree in dramatic contrast. I picked up my white gel pen and wrote 'and the Tree held the Sun.' then I grabbed my coat and went off to beach.
It was on my last day of the holiday that I picked up the same white gel pen and wrote the final words on the trunk. They just sprung from my hands, I didn't know I was going to write them but after all the personal work I had undertaken that week, they came so easily to me.
Nearing the end of my holiday when I had finally finished my piece of personal work, I felt different. Lighter. I felt more aware of my young Child self. I'd always known 'this stuff ', but in some kind of distant and not properly acknowledged, self aware way, which I guess is why we all undertake Personal development and/or Therapy, to 'really know', a journey of Self Discovery, another step closer to my Whole, Complete Self...
I got the job by the way. 'Stable Boy' in 1971 as my anorak steamed. I took it all very seriously and a part of me wants to laugh at my 10 year old Self. However, as I notice my urge to laugh, I catch her fierce expression saying something very close to; "I dare you to laugh at me!" and I think, 'good on you Kas, don't let anyone take the mick out of all your sincere and very hard work.'
And you know, that fierce glare of her's really challenged me. I then recalled how at age 14 and upwards I was teaching others how to ride in the paddock. I was trusted to just get started feeding all the animals from the thoroughbreds and the Shetland Ponies to Dougal the Donkey and the two battery hens we had rescued, alone.
I feel very proud of my younger Self, my Inner Child. Just what she was able to accomplish all by her self. For a while I felt sad for her but through some empty chair work where she and I conversed, I realised that she did not feel sad, or used. She felt confident and capable and able. She knew she did much more than she ever should have however her joy of learning to ride any horse - and especially to gallop along that huge stretch of beach most days of weekends and every school holiday gave her a sense of wealth she couldn't believe. So all felt fair for her. This was a good, reassuring feeling for me.
However it is now time for her to relax much more, play and paint, walk by the sea and have fun with friends. Me, my Adult self is fully in charge and finally, at last, at the grand old age of '54 and 3/4', I have hired a great guy to build me a fab new website and I am taking a back seat for once. Now that's what I call progress!
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